January 12, 2007 ~ Mother-in-love

On Thanksgiving I walked around a bend and saw her sitting on the floor in our living room talking to the kids. Not an uncommon sight, really, especially after being apart for a few months. (Due only to a distance of a 7 hour drive.)

She looked up and smiled her usual warm greeting at me....and in that moment I saw something that made me think this might be her last Thanksgiving with us.

It scared me,

and I haven't even told hubby, because how can I say something like that about his mother?

She is the hub of the family.

The one who always knows the answers, even if you don't want to hear them.

But as the days and weeks passed after Thanksgiving, it became apparent that something was, in fact, wrong.

At first she thought it was anxiety attacks. They run in the family....but usually they don't begin at age 72.

And then she thought it might be the flu. Nausea....headaches.....weakness.

But the weakness became more focused towards her right side.

Could this be a stroke? Vertigo?

She couldn't lift her right leg, or hold her fork, or see peripherally out of her right eye...

This woman who has spent her life teaching and practicing the importance of remaining active and eating right,

This woman who easily walks two miles per day,

This woman who tap dances and performs with other women at local senior centers,

This woman who has survived breast cancer....

twice....

This woman who I've watched jump on a trampoline as if she were 20, not 70....

What was happening?

A brain tumor, malignant, size of a golf ball with tentacles that have spread, Grade 3, inoperable, 2-5 years....maybe.

So she will be treated at Stanford....hopefully.

And they often work miracles....hopefully.

But her spirit is broken, her strength has vanished, her fears have overwhelmed her.

Can she fight?

She has never not fought before. She has never questioned her ability to fight.

I pray she can. I can't lose her. Not yet.

But I don't want her to fight a battle that can't be won. So I pray that this battle can be won, or at least that it can be fought successfully,

extending life,

good life,

whole life...

Not extending suffering...

She knows how much she is loved...by me....and by everyone....

but even so

she can't possibly,

really,

know how much.

There are no words for that much...