August 31st ~ Girl Interrupted (Ok, I mean "woman" ~ bite me lol)

For those of you who replied to my brain drain post, I responded to all of you in the replies. I noticed a couple of other bloggers doing that, and I like that conversational element. :)

Today is the first day back to school for my munchkins...and it's an insane day for me. I'll add a real post here later today. :)

August 24 ~ The brain drain is mainly insane

Ok, so I've been a stay-at-home-Mom for the past 12 years.

I can multi-task the best of you under the table.

But I didn't realize that the "non-mommy" parts of my brain were shriveling into hard rocks of dried matter due to lack of use.

Holy Crap. No wonder they tell older people to do crossword puzzles. The brain IS a muscle that needs exercise!

So, I may have mentioned here before that I got myself a little part-time job. It's supposed to be 5 hours per week....but for the first few months it will be more. Partly due to the tasks that need my attention and partly due to my learning curve.

I decided to take a class in San Francisco to learn the computer program that I'm trying to use.
I took BART into the City, which was a big deal for me, as I'd never taken it alone before. I'm waiting on the platform for my train having anxiety attacks over the bombings in the London subway. We live in a very diverse community: all ages, races, sexes (yes, I meant to say that), religions. That is why I LOVE living here and bringing our kids up here. Yet, I found myself secretly doing "racial profiling" as I waited for my train. "Do you think he has a bomb attached to his body?" I asked myself at least once. Isn't that terrible? I bitch-slapped myself internally as soon as I realized I was doing it.....but still! (shudder) I can't even believe I'm admitting to it here.

So, after recovering from the bitch-slap, I opened a piece of newspaper and strolled onto the train as if I do this everyday. I faked being a commuter. (proud smug look)

When I got off the train and rode the escalator up to the street all I could see was bright morning blue sky (no fog, can you believe it?) and the stark white tops of skyscrapers. It was GORGEOUS! I suddenly morphed into a Sex And The City character.....or maybe That Girl. (Except I didn't have a cute little hat to throw...dammit.)

I had to stand on the street for a few minutes to get my bearings, so I just breathed it all in. (I was in jeans and tennis shoes...but I faked sexy spikey, strappy, shoes and hottie clothes in my mind.) After figuring out where I was, I began walking to my class. I passed a Starbucks and fancy deli's and elegant little shops, museums, and realized I could go into any of them. This might not seem like a big deal to you, but I'm out of practice being by myself. Being alone in the grocery store is just NOT the same thing!

At my class, they served hot coffee, had clean bathrooms, icey water. Damn, it was heaven! :) lol
The volume of information I learned was overwhelming. My shriveled-like-jerky-brain was absorbing information as fast as possible, but it couldn't keep up with the flow. By the end of the day, my brain was dripping like an over-watered houseplant.

The instructor asked if I had any questions, and I asked for a moment of silence so that my brain could catch up.

Hey, I get funny when nervous.

August 12 ~ It Takes One To Know One

Growing up, I always thought I was wise and mature for my age.

I thought I was always right.

I thought I had all of the answers.

Not that I'd brag about my great wisdom. ~ Mostly I kept it to myself, because heaven forbid I'd come across like a bragger, or a know-it-all, or some other schmuckity-ass-brained type of person whom no one could stand to be around.

But internally, I was a superior, all-knowing, being of insight and wisdom. ~ If people would only ask for my advice.....the world would be a better place. No one asked.
But hey, not my fault.

Somewhere along the way, I woke up.

I can't pinpoint it. ~ Maybe sometime in my mid-late 20's.... DEFINITELY by the time I'd had kids.

I used to cringe when I'd see an angry faced mother holding her screaming faced child by the arm in the grocery store. My thinking would waiver from a prim: "If she were consistent in her disciplinary techniques this wouldn't happen" ~ to a mortified: "That poor child. What an awful parent!"

That was until I experienced what it feels like first hand to have a child go (for NO reason, mind you) LOUDLY and insanely ballistic in a public place.

Reasoning with the unreasonable doesn't work.

All you can do is leave the location as quickly as possible...at which time the screaming monster becomes boneless...or rigid...or alternates between the two so that lifting him/her looks like a lesson in wrestling. And the only other problem with leaving.... is that sometimes that is exactly what the little monster wants. You leave: Monster wins.

If they win once.......they want to win EVERY time.

And so it begins...

You find yourself gritting your teeth, trying not to look visibly crazed (Have you ever felt your pulse in your eyeballs?), as you drag the screaming monster through that grocery store (which you've put off doing for two weeks due to the dread of this moment) until you get at least the minimum amount of groceries into the cart...
And then try to not burst into tears yourself as you see the cold, condenscending, expressions of the "not yet parents but we'll be so much better at it than you" and the "my kids would never have done that in my day" and the " hasn't had kids, won't be having kids" sets.

Oddly enough, after burning 800 calories in sweat while shopping, you get the monster securely locked back into the car seat (which, can be a WHOLE new war zone!!) and, as you drive home, you look through your rearview mirror at that little monster face now sleeping from tantrum exhaustion.....

all you can do is smile...and wonder to yourself if noon is too early for a glass of wine. (g)

August 10th ~ Stubborn is as stubborn does...

My middle son can be found in Webster's Dictionary under the word "stubborn".

I love him dearly. He is a brilliant, over-emotional, very competitive, pre-teen.

I have no idea what I'm doing. Repeatedly bashing my head against the wall is starting to sound like a good option. Wait....I think I already do that.

You know how there are glass half-full and glass half-empty people? How does a glass half-full mom reach a glass half-empty kid? He's not an unhappy kid....he's just cynical and sees the negative before the positive.

I find myself snapping at him angrily when he digs his heels in and becomes unreasonably stubborn over every small thing in life. This is of course after first trying to lighten him up. I guess I probably become more angry with myself for being unable to reach him than I actually am with him.

He has a wonderful sense of humor, loves all body parts that make noise, has the biggest smile and best laugh (when he is relaxed and not fighting me over something). He's a spectacular student, and well behaved at the homes of our family and his friends (unless he knows the adult REALLY well....then he feel comfortable pushing them into a state of insanity with his stubbornness too).

I think it's a power play....a form of manipulation.....a way of asserting that he is different from his barely older, older brother. (They share a LOT of interests, friends and activities.)

I need to find him his own thing to excel in. I'm sure that would help. Perhaps if he just had his own space to shine in.....where no siblings are in his way to compete with......something that he discovers he loves doing.....

Wish me luck finding it. I'm open to suggestions.

August 9th ~ Clickity Clack Tickity Tock

Ok .... Is it just me?

I noticed that the sound of my bones clicking in my ankles, knees and shoulder as walk in the mornings puts me in a medatative state. It's very Zen.

Some people prefer birds chirping....or the "OHM" sound....

but me.......clickity clackity

August 6th ~ Mind Over Matters

Turning 40 was rough for me. (I'm 42 now....or maybe 43.....no...42....jeez I can't add. Yeah 42.)

I was really hung up about about not being able to say: "I'm in my 30's"

I could remember my Dad's 40th Bday party, fergawdsakes! It freaked me out completely.

But, with age comes wisdom....right? Right!

So, now I'm discovering some exciting things about myself and I realized that THIS is what makes aging rather fun, and what makes me crazy about some of the people in my life. They have already discovered the magic. They know how to use it. I'm still learning, but getting better at it every day.

The magic involves the following:

You stop caring about what other people think of you ~ instead, you become comfy within yourself.
You learn to say "no" gently, mean it firmly, and can resist the guilt that wants to make you say "yes".
You know your limits.
You have confidence in your abilities.
You are able to express your sexuality...(sly grin) (Yeah, ok, so I'm sorta enjoying being in seductress mode. lol)
You have developed friendships of the heart that matter...and don't worry so much about those that don't.
You have forgiven your parents for not being perfect and have come to terms with your own imperfections.

The list goes on..but you get the gist of it...

So, I was thinking, if the 40's are this good.....wow....the 50's will be phenomenal!
:)

August 2nd ~ Mind if I moon you?

OK...Check this out! http://moon.google.com/

Another reason to like google! And make sure you zoom all the way in before you leave the site. :)